In honor of ADHD Awareness Month, we’re launching a special series revisiting some of our most insightful podcast episodes to offer valuable insights and practical advice for navigating life with ADHD.
As the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, Melissa Orlov has dedicated her career to helping couples understand how ADHD impacts emotional connections, communication, and day-to-day relationship dynamics. We’re spotlighting five key takeaways to help couples manage ADHD in their relationships.
1. Emotional Volatility in ADHD Relationships
ADHD doesn’t just affect attention or focus—it also significantly impacts emotions. Melissa explained that emotional volatility is one of the hallmarks of ADHD, and it can lead to confusion and frustration for both partners.
“Emotional volatility, like quick anger or irritability, or a lot of escape…those are indicators ADHD may be present,” Melissa explained. These emotional ups and downs can create tension in the relationship, especially when the ADHD partner struggles to regulate their emotions and the non-ADHD partner doesn’t understand why.
She also emphasized the role that shame plays in ADHD relationships. ADHD individuals often carry the emotional scars of childhood, where they may have faced repeated criticism for their behavior. This shame can manifest in adult relationships, adding another layer of emotional complexity.
2. The Hyper-Focused Courtship
One of the more unique aspects of ADHD in relationships is what Melissa refers to as “hyper-focused courtship.” Early in the relationship, the ADHD partner may appear highly attentive, energetic, and focused on their significant other, making the early stages feel exciting and intense. However, this hyper-focus is often short-lived.
“Hyper-focused courtship is so much fun to go through…you feel like everything’s fitting perfectly,” Melissa noted. But this focus tends to fade as dopamine levels return to normal. The ADHD partner may then become more distracted, which can leave the other partner feeling confused or even neglected.
Understanding that this shift is part of ADHD dynamics—not a lack of interest—can help couples navigate this transition and build a relationship based on communication and mutual understanding.
3. Challenges Women with ADHD Face in Relationships
Women with ADHD often face unique challenges in relationships, especially when their ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood. Melissa explained that women are more likely to manage household responsibilities, which can become overwhelming when ADHD makes it difficult to stay organized or handle monotonous tasks.
“A lot more women are responsible for managing things around the household,” Melissa said. These tasks often don’t have clear structure or immediate rewards, which makes them especially hard for individuals with ADHD to manage consistently. This can lead to frustration, guilt, and stress for women who feel they are falling short in both their professional and personal lives.
4. The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Patterns and Solutions
Melissa introduced the concept of the “ADHD effect” on marriage—how ADHD symptoms shape the dynamics between partners. Often, the non-ADHD partner feels frustrated or overwhelmed by their partner’s forgetfulness or lack of follow-through, while the ADHD partner feels misunderstood or criticized.
“Most people find me because they’re in a state of great struggle,” Melissa shared. This struggle often stems from a mismatch in expectations, where the non-ADHD partner assumes their spouse should be able to handle certain tasks, while the ADHD partner is genuinely struggling to keep up.
To break these patterns, Melissa recommends that couples educate themselves about ADHD and how it affects relationships. By learning about the common dynamics in ADHD-impacted relationships, couples can better understand each other and start to work on solutions together.
5. Managing ADHD in Relationships: Communication and Planning
For couples managing ADHD, communication and planning are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Melissa stressed that couples must have open, honest conversations about their frustrations without falling into a blame game.
Planning is another crucial tool for managing ADHD in relationships. Melissa recommends creating structured routines and systems, such as weekly check-ins, where both partners can discuss responsibilities and stay organized. This not only helps the ADHD partner stay on top of things but also reduces frustration for both individuals.
For couples considering parenthood, Melissa warned that ADHD can make parenting more challenging, particularly when it comes to managing the constant stream of tasks that come with caring for a child. “The number of tasks that are boring and hard to keep track of…really hit couples like a two-by-four to the head,” she noted. Couples can mitigate these challenges by preparing in advance and working together to build supportive routines.
Melissa Orlov’s February 2023 podcast remains a must-listen for anyone navigating ADHD in a relationship. Her practical advice and expert insights provide couples with the tools they need to communicate better, understand each other more deeply, and create lasting, fulfilling partnerships.
As we revisit some of our favorite podcasts throughout October in honor of ADHD Awareness Month, this episode is a perfect place to start. To learn more, you can listen to the full podcast episode here and explore more resources on ADHDmarriage.com.
