By Brandy Butler, NBC-HWC, LVN
When was the last time you criticized yourself, hoping it would lead to a positive change, and it actually worked? If you can’t remember, you’re not alone.
Think about how you respond when a friend or coworker confides in you about a challenge in their life. You probably offer a shoulder to lean on, some solid advice, or support to them, and voila! They’re back in solution mode, thanking you for your wisdom. But when was the last time you offered a harsh judgment or shame session that led to a success story? I’ll wait.
So, why do we keep doing it? Maybe it’s a sneaky combination of self-doubt and a misalignment between our actions and values. Many of us wish to change aspects of our lives that affect our well-being. However, our confidence might be shaken by previous failures or comparisons to others on social media who seem to have succeeded. This often leads to self-blame, under the mistaken belief that it will drive transformation. But surprise, surprise—it doesn’t work!
Beating yourself up, or as they say, being a Debbie Downer to yourself is about as effective as trying to start a fire with a wet match. It just doesn’t light up!
The purpose of criticism is to provide feedback, and the purpose of compassion is to recognize and then act. Just looking at these purposes alone, we can probably guess what a more effective strategy is.
The Path to Positive Change: Self-Compassion
First, start paying attention to how you talk to yourself. There is no judgment, just observation.
We all have an internal dialogue just observe the way you speak to yourself.
Next, step into the practice of mindfulness. Become present, become aware, and watch those negative thoughts go.
Many of us live unaware, and awareness is half the battle.
When you catch that inner critic chatting away, hit ’em with some opposing thoughts. Challenge the nonsense!
Now that you are aware of the thought challenge it and oppose it, even if it doesn’t feel genuine at first.
And finally, show yourself some compassion. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend—kind words, understanding nods, and all.
Compassion is to recognize and then act, action is where things change.
Unlocking Change Through Self-Compassion: A Journey to Wellness
We are inherently capable of self-compassion, evidenced by the compassionate guidance we readily offer our children, loved ones, and friends when they encounter difficulties.
When we get past the distortions in our thinking, we’ll be able to see compassion serves as the compass, and self is the starting point for positive change. Instead of choosing self-criticism, embrace self-compassion as the key to breaking free from a cycle and fostering genuine transformation.
Brandy Butler is a nationally board-certified health and wellness coach and licensed nurse. She has conducted research with UCLA/JHA and has 25 years of experience caring for patients with mental health and substance misuse disorders. Trained in Integrative Health Coaching at Duke Integrative Medicine, Brandy has coached hundreds of clients, helping them implement behavioral changes to optimize their health and well-being.
